Sparticus: Blood and Sand Review

A little late, but I just discovered this on netflix. I recently tried to write for http://www.cracked.com a humor website I both read AND enjoy, but turns out they pre-screen their topics, and you can't just write what the fuck you want, and fuck that. So, here's my review:

So, I just watched the new Starz show “Sparticus: Blood and Sand.” And, just like a grieving process, there a seven stages to the experience. Stage one is where I realize how much the fight style is suspiciously like “300”. The second stage is where we realize how much the plot is suspiciously like “Gladiator”. The third stage involves a lot of  getting fairly angry. The fourth stage involves HOLY SHIT THAT’S A LOT OF FUCKING TITS LIKE 30 FREAKING PAIRS OUR TITS CUP FLOETH OVER. The fourth stage involves lots of grunting and eventual shame.

The fifth stage is eating some hummus on the couch in our underwear. There are no sixth or seventh stages.

However, given that Sparticus is just a mixture of 300 and Gladiator with a sprinkle of boobs, we still intend to prove that, like Mac & Cheese and midget pornography, the whole may be greater than the sum of the parts.

Pictured: Synergy

Part 1:

Yah, so here’s just a couple of randomly chosen screen shots from 300 and Sparticus.

All black people with whips aside, Total. Fucking. Coincidence. Like, for SERIOUS guys.

Only difference is in Spartacus, the main dude totally looks like burly Jesus.

Yippie Christ Yay Motherfucker.

Now, one of the ONLY strengths of 300 was it's awesome stylized fight sequences.

Also the leather diapers

The whole movie was basically one big slow-mo surgery lesson with videos of a junior college freshman year acting class’s classics quarter spliced in.

Which worked. And was kind of awesome. No one knows why that guy we think might be Sean Bean talked like a pirate, but you know what? We forgave him.

Yar. I want that fucking ring.

We spent the entire 2ish hours in a boyish, blood fueled daze. Which frankly, we were fine with.

Problem was, there was not a whole lot of plot to speak of. To be fair, a good 45 % of the movie was in slow motion, so you only really had about thirty-five minutes of story to work with.

A good synopsis: Leonidas wants fight Persians. Council says no. He goes anyway. Wife gets boned. Leonidas dies. This is known as the first p0wnage in history.

Besides, Leonidas sounds like a disease where your balls turn into lions. Which is maybe the reason for the diapers.

For your protection.

So along comes:

PART 2

You know who wrote this shit?

Us neither. But we totes IMDB’d it. And it’s David Franzoni. (Still not ringin’ a bell here either.)

Well FYI: he wrote freaking Amistad. Also King Arthur.

We'll just call it even.

And do you know who directed Gladiator? Do You?

Ridley. Shitting. Scott.

That's Who.

So Gladiator has story coming out the freaking BALLS.

That's right. Right there out the balls.

Which is maybe why the plot summaries of Gladiator and Sparticus are about as distinguishable as Mary Kate and Ashely Olsen (though we’d totally be down for a three-way).

However, where the Gladiator fight scenes were awesome at the time… nowadays, with everything augmented digitally, they don’t stand out in a crowd.

Cluster-fuck fu.

On a related note:

Fact: Russell Crowe once straight punched a Bengal tiger in the face because it resembled a paparazzi holding a camera.

Pictured: I totally see it.

So you gotta imagine the Producers’ conversation went something like this:

Bob: Hey, know what made a lot of money? Gladiator.

Steve: Yeah. That’d be nice if we’d made it. We’d have so much Coke.

Bob: Coke out the BALLS.

Steve: Right out the Balls.

Bob: Hey, know what was cool? 300’s fights.

Steve: Hell yeah! I’m wearing my replica leather diaper right now!

Bob: I’m wearing one too, for totally unrelated reasons!

Steve: Hell yeah!

Bob: Hell FUCK yeah!

(They high five. There’s a pause)

Steve: HEY!!! I Know what would be awesome!!!!

Bob: HELL YEAH!! Let’s MIX IT UP BITCHES! It just needs one extra thing!!!!

Jesus, bitches.

Steve: Yeah! Well, maybe two things…

Which brings us to:

Part Three: 

It's not like this is my desktop or anything.

Seriously: There are like a good forty boobs in the first hour of this show. The Show should be called Sparticus: Blood and Tits. Actually no. That sounds like everyone ran a marathon without Vaseline.

Pictured: Health

So, the verdict:

Plot: +8 for awesomeness, -10 for the ripoff: overall, -2

Visuals: +9 for awesomeness, -10 for more leather diapers: overall, -1

Tits: +like, a billion, -1 for lack of more tits.

The verdict: Watchable (for the tits).

Cheers.