My Computer is Pregnant

Hello, internet.

I'm now bumming you off the rehearsal hall, and desperately resisting the urge to download porn at work, because that's never really worked out well for anyone, and if I'm going to be fired for doing something involving pornography at work, I'd rather be in a participatory rather than observational role, but I digress.

My little Macbook is pregnant. Again, probably all the porn. There are many, many, many people who could be the father. I wouldn't even know where to begin to start.

Basically, my little computer has been chugging along fine since 2006 when I got a new one because my house got broken into (thought process: fuck! 3 years of work from college, toil, growth, all go...oh sweet, a webcam) without issue.

Then my svelt the battery went the way of Axel Rose.

Welcome to the Jungle

Who, as it turns out, may or may not Also be pregnant, also because of porn. Although were I you, internet, I wouldn't go looking for any videos of his impregnation. It's a little like that scene from the second Ghostbusters where Egon falls into the sewer. Here:

It's at around 5:00 in. You'll get the idea.

Anyway, my battery started swelling, maybe because of heat, or humidity, or pregnancy, now I must order a new one. Fine.

Couple of issues. While in Jackson, MI, I don't really have a mailing address, so everything is forwarded through an office, which is then usually forwarded to the actors. Not too big of a deal.

The only problem with this is I don't know how big my computer is. I'm pretty sure it's 15 inches (that's what she said) but unlike a lot of people, I don't keep a ruler sitting around near my computer.

It's just a great picture

So ordering online makes me nervous, because I can't try it out first to make sure it works, and they're not like, UBER cheap either.

My other option is to drive to Ann Arbor (which is not altogether a bad thing), and shop at one of 2, count em 2, Mac stores there.

The only problem with buying anything directly from a Mac retail location is that Mac will literally take your money, roll it up into a phallus, then RAPE YOU WITH THAT SAME MONEY.

Like this, but not in the mouth

Seriously. The batteries there cost a week's salary AND a left testicle. It's awful.

So here I sit, DESPERATELY not downloading porn, at the crux of a decision that could cause a fair amount of aggravation for at least a week or so.

But this is why we blog. To me, this is painful. To you, it's trite, and therefor funny. That's right internet, pain = humor.

Bam.

Amazon, here I come.

Cheers.