My Computer is Pregnant

Hello, internet.

I'm now bumming you off the rehearsal hall, and desperately resisting the urge to download porn at work, because that's never really worked out well for anyone, and if I'm going to be fired for doing something involving pornography at work, I'd rather be in a participatory rather than observational role, but I digress.

My little Macbook is pregnant. Again, probably all the porn. There are many, many, many people who could be the father. I wouldn't even know where to begin to start.

Basically, my little computer has been chugging along fine since 2006 when I got a new one because my house got broken into (thought process: fuck! 3 years of work from college, toil, growth, all go...oh sweet, a webcam) without issue.

Then my svelt the battery went the way of Axel Rose.

Welcome to the Jungle

Who, as it turns out, may or may not Also be pregnant, also because of porn. Although were I you, internet, I wouldn't go looking for any videos of his impregnation. It's a little like that scene from the second Ghostbusters where Egon falls into the sewer. Here:

It's at around 5:00 in. You'll get the idea.

Anyway, my battery started swelling, maybe because of heat, or humidity, or pregnancy, now I must order a new one. Fine.

Couple of issues. While in Jackson, MI, I don't really have a mailing address, so everything is forwarded through an office, which is then usually forwarded to the actors. Not too big of a deal.

The only problem with this is I don't know how big my computer is. I'm pretty sure it's 15 inches (that's what she said) but unlike a lot of people, I don't keep a ruler sitting around near my computer.

It's just a great picture

So ordering online makes me nervous, because I can't try it out first to make sure it works, and they're not like, UBER cheap either.

My other option is to drive to Ann Arbor (which is not altogether a bad thing), and shop at one of 2, count em 2, Mac stores there.

The only problem with buying anything directly from a Mac retail location is that Mac will literally take your money, roll it up into a phallus, then RAPE YOU WITH THAT SAME MONEY.

Like this, but not in the mouth

Seriously. The batteries there cost a week's salary AND a left testicle. It's awful.

So here I sit, DESPERATELY not downloading porn, at the crux of a decision that could cause a fair amount of aggravation for at least a week or so.

But this is why we blog. To me, this is painful. To you, it's trite, and therefor funny. That's right internet, pain = humor.

Bam.

Amazon, here I come.

Cheers.

Kim Kardashian and other Thoughts

Okay, so: take a look at this picture.

http://crazy.nerast.info/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Kim-Kardashian_2.jpg
How....how do you always look like you wanna fuck someone in a picture? Not sometimes. Always.

Like, when someone takes a picture of me, I usually look retarded. I don't mean that in a duragatory way either, I mean actually functionally handicapped.

For a long time I thought people who posted facebook photos were making a game of it, it happened so often.

I suppose the two things are not mutually exclusive. Maybe that's just how I look when I want to fuck someone, which would explain a recent dry streak, but still.

http://www.shockya.com/news/wp-content/uploads/kim-kardashian-dating-football-player.jpg

You have to practice that. It takes lightning fast reflexes. Especially if you're famous. People take pictures of you all the time.

You'd imagine that if you were famous, you could respond to the sound of a shutter clicking, even a digital one, turn, ninja-cobra like, and pose.

http://thekimkardashian.com/UserFiles/2009/11/21/Kim%20Kardashian.jpg

But no. The sound happens AFTER the photo is taken. Light travels faster than sound. (but neither travel faster than love, or the quantum "spooky action at a distance." theory: same fucking thing. am I right?)

So essentially, Kim Kardashian has to be either A) a jedi or B) an x-men pre-cog mutant.

I'm gonna go with B), because if she has full use of the force, she's damn unimaginative, because frankly her sex tape wasn't that interesting.

Still:

http://www.yourgossipfix.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/kimkardashian4_0_0_0x0_399x600.jpg

She has to be able to sense a picture is about to be taken somewhere in the room, whip towards the camera, and make the SAME. DAMN. FACE. EVERY. TIME. The fuck?

Now, I'm not sure I fully agree with Porn, in the same way that I'm not sure I fully agree with Capitalism, idealistically, but still spend most of my day as an active practitioner, because what choice do I really have, it's there. More on that later.

However, you have to admit that the ability to, at any given time, SENSE a camera in a fucking room, turn towards it, and convince that camera that you want to shove it where the sun doesn't shine until sweet jesus returns is a fucking skill.

Oh yeah, and she's engaged, I think. So there's that as well.