Introductions

Alright, So.

I'm a 20-something year old college educated man (boy) (not manboy, man / boy) (like, an either or...whatever, doesn't matter) living in Chicago.

I have a B.S. in Theater (yes, a B.S. No one else at school seemed to think that was funny.) from a top-10 ranked-in-the-nation school (well, that narrows it down to two, sorry Loyola/Depaul), I like to write, and act (on stage) and women, even though I act (on stage), so that already makes me a little bit of an odd man out as it is.

Secondly, having been been told all my life that I'm much much much better and smarter than everybody else and that my life will be a breeze of being paid to smile for the right people at the right moment and there will be lots of sports cars and models and threesomes, and after going to a school where everyone thought the same, and realizing that (A.) There aren't enough sports cars to go around, so SOMEBODY has to be wrong, and (B.) Threesomes probably don't work out either because of the numbers, that ultimately (C.) Thinking this way makes you a spectacularly BAD person in the eyes of well, everyone, and that ultimately it's a fairly flawed way to think because:

Intelligence is a specialized trait: I. E., if you spend lots of time hunting kangaroos, you will eventually become very good at hunting kangaroos. The same goes for sucking up to your superiors for personal gain, or telling stories, or oral sex, or whatever. How quickly one advances is a matter of personal talent and taste (sorry), however most human beings, if given enough time and support can to pretty much anything else any other human being can do; so although each one of us is a unique and special snowflake with our own unique crystal latticework and special way of wafting, were all composed of the same water and waste and all serve essentially the same basic functions, that being to make life unlivable for anyone living through winter in the Midwest.

So. Having realized this a little earlier on than most of my "peers" at school seemed to, I spent the majority of my remaining time at college (a year or so) mainly smoking weed, because it's a wonderful way to pass the time.

But, lo and behold, now I'm out and have a very expensive piece of paper that, no matter how reasonable a complaint I make, no one will allow me to use as a receipt, to return whatever it is I've bought for four years, or exchange it for a gift card, or whatever.

And, lo and behold, life continues to not be sports cars and threesomes (although I'm working very hard on the latter, at which point I'd like to thank my poor girlfriend for continuing to sleep with me, and would love to be able to say that if this blog reaches one million hits or something that she'll do it, but if I were to show her that she'd probably just say cool, you're ignoring me, won't you please just come watch the movie). Pause for breath. (it's really very good and no one really even reads those things anyway).

In fact, I work a very shitty job at a marginally shitty restaurant in the same area I went to school in with some very wonderful co-workers and some extremely douchebaggy (word?) managers, and spend most of the rest of my time destroying in various ways virtual people/zombies/New Yorkers who have done little else to me than lob a couple of very inneffective bullets/bitemarkes/insults my way, and have sex with my very patient girlfriend.

And according to my theory of liquid intelligence, this should make me very good at both of those things. Ba-zing. Well, I suppose it depends who you talk too, but still.

So alas, internet masses, hoveled in dark caves, blinking against the harsh light of your computer screens and longing to be free (what?), I turn to thee to vent my various frustrations/ideas/suggestions for world improvement to, in hopes that you too will lob fairly inneffective virtual insults/bullets/oral sex my way so that I know that indeed, I am not alone and unheard in the universe, small and insignificant though I may be.

Not because I don't want to talk to the small collection of people I've managed to amass in my life, because I certainly can, and in certian cases, as in the aforementioned patient girlfriend, they would love it if I would a little more often instead of sitting at my computer like I am now, but rather because with them I care about them and thus care what they think of me and don't necessarily want to bore them with anything but the choicest of my ramblings. Don't worry about her by the way, she's fine, and happy, I think. I don't know, I'd have to ask. Give me a second.

Yep, she is. Well, not right now, particularly, but generally. And the movie's a Will Smith movie, so it can't be that good. Okay...time is short....

However, you, internet, are strangers, and I don't really care about you that much, except in a sort of humanitarian way, and I certainly don't care what you think, in fact, fuck you, internet, but this makes you a perfect erm...word, er, PULPIT! yes, pulit, for everything I may or may not be thinking at the time, as well as ideas for too angry/radical/dorky for my friends to relate to, so I shall use you as my pulpit. One second!

Okay, um...what else. oh yes, now that you know a little about me and my worldview, and since you'll be getting a lot of more of it in the interactions to come, I'd like to say a couple of things to you, internet. First of all: thank you for all the free porn. That was very thoughtfull. Secondly, very nice to meet you.