I've had time to learn and grow as a writer, and you've had time to post videos of all the dirty things I was already thinking of anyway. Good to be back in the saddle!
This saddle, specifically.
Wanna play a fun game with yourself? Of course you do. You're the internet. It's either that or looking at tumblers full of cat pictures. Playing with yourself is preferable.
Step 1. Get drunk. Step 2. Think up any single horribly depraved sex act. Any single one. Step 3. Type a brief description into google videos.
Step 1 is very important.
What were we talking about?
Isn't this just disturbing? The certificate behind it says "prototype"
Ah yes. How to get out of Traffic tickets. fun, fun.
Like this but the cop doesn't look like fat Jason Bourne
So you've decided to take it a little fast and loose, because other people are slow assholes, who clearly have nowhere to be. And you didn't vote for their "laws."
Buffalo Wild Wings closes at 9!
When suddenly your rear view mirror, that place where you've checked to make sure you've properly shaved the patch between your eyebrows a thousand times, lights up in frantic crimson and aquamarine.
Cherries and Berries, baby.
Your heart races. Your mind freezes. They switch jobs, neither helping much.
Do you have pot on you? No. That's good. There's no way he'll know you're stoned. It's not even illegal to be stoned, is it? I can be as high as I want, right? Am I even stoned? No? Why am I headed to Buffalo Wild Wings then? WHY??!?!
IT'S SHITTY WINGS ANYWAY!!!
Then it dawns on you. He's not pulling you over because you're high and you shouldn't be. And he's REALLY not pulling you over because you're NOT high and you SHOULD be (trust me on this one, they all give the same answer, and it's "No.")
It's because you were speeding.
It's shitty wings anyway, sir.
"FUCKLES!" you yell.
Fuckles? What's a Fuckle?
Last time, I swear.
You pull over, nerves a fire, dread creeping over you.
Well guess what my friend- you know what you have now?
I give you this advice knowing you will use it well, and choose better wing places in the future.
Also kind of pricy
Because, internet, I have personally been pulled over now 5 times for speeding.
One more than this many.
AndI have not gotten a speeding ticket. Fucking. Once.
So gather round the digital campire internet, and let me spin you a yarn of mischief fancy, and reckless endangerment.
Here's how it's done.
Things you have going for you:
1. Speed clocking is not an exact science.
Okay, so the guns are pretty good, at this point. Not great, mind you, just pretty good. In fact, only about 15% of tickets are a result of a good, solid reading on that gun.
So, odds are he doesn't have it. And you want to play those odds, because it's your goal to leave the interaction WITHOUT a ticket.
For instance, here's how my first one went?
(cop lights go on)
Me: FUCKLES! (pulls over, rolls down window)
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going back there?
Me: Honestly, I wasn't watching to closely. I never go more than 5 over. I'm just late for work (I was. But pay attention- we'll circle back).
Cop: I caught you doing sixty.
This was, by the way, on a fairly large, though very thoroughly residential street.
Gotta get to Walgreens or I'll just CONTINUE to have athlete's foot!
Me: Really? Can I SEE THE GUN
BOOM. Just reduced my odds of being in the wrong from 100% to 15%. Hells. Fuck. Yeah.
Cop: I...I don't have a gun reading. (SEE!!! FUCKING HA!!)
Now you might be thinking- well, if they have the gun reading, am I fucked?
Remember down to 15%. They won't admit it unless you ASK. Moving on:
2. Now, logic is on your side.
So now in 85% of cases, it's up for debate. The cop doesn't have a gun reading to prove it, but still thinks you were speeding. Now he has to justify the charge.
Cop: Well, I tailed you doing 60.
Me: You mean, you were parked, and caught up to me?
Cop: Yep. Doing 60.
Me: You caught up to me doing 60.
Cop: (smugly) Yep.
Me: So I must have been going UNDER 60, right? If you caught up to me?
This guy's so white.
Cop: Er.... (stares me down)
Me: (stares right back, smiling)
The guy in the middle was just waiting for the bus.
Cop: Let me check your license. (leaves to do so)
ADDENDUM: If you have a clean driving record, your chances of getting a ticket go down astronomically at this point. He's questioning his judgement, and if he sees no one else has given you a ticket, he'll probably just catagorize you as having had an "off day" as opposed to being a much more serious serial speeder.
Now you may now be saying: But I have 6 tickets and a DUI- am I fucked?
The spoils of the world go to the smart, quite often unfairly so, and if you've been caught speeding that many times, you may not qualify for that particular club jacket.
(There's not really a jacket)
Which brings us to number 3. Your literal "get out of jail free" card:
3. No one wants to be the Asshole
Not even cops.
A cop pulls you over, and you're the asshole because you were speeding. The first 2 are really just ways to flip this power dynamic. You need him to be the asshole for pulling you over, and him to be the asshole for handing you a ticket.
Hold on, I'm gonna write one for your sick kid too.
This is tricky, because if you get it wrong, you're almost guaranteed a ticket.
DO NOT seek sympathy.
"Please, please officer, I've already had so many of these," -you're still the asshole.
"Please, I've never had one, and even though I deserve a ticket, I don't want to take responsibility for my choices" -you're still the asshole.
"I was speeding and endangering lives around me because I had somewhere really important to be!" -you're still the asshole
"I'm aware I was speeding but I wasn't going THAT fast, you pussy," -you're still the asshole.
Either side of the picture, it's you.
DO feign ignorance.
"I'm from out of state and didn't notice the signs change to slower"-honest mistake.
"I was running late, and really wasn't paying attention"- understandably human.
"I was just trying to go the speed of traffic"- conformity is natural.
NONE of these are effective if not followed up by this phrase:
"I still don't really think I was going that fast, though if I was I apologize."
(Unfortunately being black will probably have the opposite effects when it comes to not getting pulled over in the first place.)
Tell the right story. If he's the guy making you late to work for going the speed of traffic, he's the asshole. If he's going to slap an out-of-towner with a ticket for a first offense, he's the asshole.
BE RESPECTFUL. Giving a dickhead driver a ticket makes the cop NOT the asshole. A calm, collected, firmly disagreeing citizen? Different story.
Better yet, a citizen who had no intention or knowledge of breaking the law? Even better. Especially one that seems so convinced that they MIGHT just show up for their court date.
Pictured: Fun for literally no one.
The moral is no one wants to be assholes: not you, not them. They don't wanna be the dickhead cop you tell your friends about. Cops get it rough enough already.
And since you've already decided to be a little bit of an asshole by speeding, might as well up the ante and use their better nature against them.
Hey look, a spade.
So that's it, folks. To really get out of speeding tickets:
1. Ask to see the gun
2. Logic them out of it
3. Make them be the asshole
All you have to do is be just a tiny, tiny bit a bad person, and you can speed to your hearts content. Then again, who isn't a tiny bit of a bad person every once in a while?
Cheers, internet. Good to be back.